Madonna’s real beauty secret? Gallons of face-filler and photo-retouchers

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Photo Courtesy of Karen Blue

Fresh off the Toronto launch of her Hard Candy Fitness franchise, where she sweated out some of that excess Botox, Madonna, 55, will debut her new brand extension next week. It’s a line of anti-aging skincare set for a pop-up shop in—where else—Tokyo.

Dubbed MDNA Skin, the exclusive selection of serums and masks should not be confused with that other MDNA, also called ‘ecstasy‘, that induces euphoria and feelings of intimacy at raves. Unlike Ecstasy, that’s produced rather unromantically in labs, Madonna’s products are based on Italian ingredients and a mysterious “Magnetic Force and Deep Derma” induction method.

For anyone who tuned in to see Madge’s memorable-but-not-in-a-good-way performance at the recent Grammy’s, it would appear that she should lighten-up some on those magnetic forces. Milady is converging into Christopher Walken territory.

Back in 2008 Madonna graced the cover of New York magazine for its feature on cosmetic surgery. She was touted then as the poster-woman for the “New-New Face”. The New-New Face, unlike like the Old-New Face (poor Meg Ryan), looks youthful and plumped up, not waxen or pulled too-tight like one that is at war with itself.

Though Madonna kept her pneumatic lips sealed on the subject, the article focused on innovative plastic surgery techniques involving under-lifting and filling sagging lower faces with a series of injections involving fat, collagen, Botox and what-have-you. Presumably this is the real secret of Madonna’s quasi-ageless look.

I don’t fault Madonna for remaining mum on the subject. Though Cher said it best when repeatedly badgered about her plastic surgeries. She responded, “If I want to put my tits on my back that’s my business.” But, here’s the thing: if you’re going to trade on your appearance like Madonna is doing by pushing a skincare line, you’ve got to be honest with the punters.

Madge/Madonna/Esther/MDNA/whatever: Magnetic resonance and Italian clay have absolutely nothing to do with your gravity-resistant jawline. This woman must spend the equivalent of the GDP of a small African nation at her dermatologist’s office. And then she shills to gullible baby-boomers who are going to need to those spare shekels to fund their long retirements.

Another similar example is Cindy Crawford, who, along with many international A-listers, has been visiting a certain doctor in France to receive hundreds of intra-muscular injections per visit of plasma platelets, vitamins, hyaluronic-acid, fillers, Botox and who knows what else, along with the requisite laser dermal peels and radio frequency collagen tightening. These grueling sessions notwithstanding, she looks quite lovely.

Recently Crawford teamed up with her dermatologist to launch a skincare line called Meaningful Beauty. The tag-line is: “Cindy’s secret for ageless, beautiful skin.” Well, no Cindy, that’s not exactly your secret.

Should you spring for her introductory package, do not expect to see a glowing Cindy on your stoop bearing syringes. No, instead you’ll get a pot of cream via the post. The cream, or creme, contains extracts of a rare melon found only in a remote part of the South of France, possibly the furthest reaches of Cap Martin or St. Tropez. And there, amongst the deserted beach cabanas, empty cigarette packs and used condoms, Cindy has found this unique melon that contains SOD, a powerful anti-oxidant that she promises will firm up that turkey neck of yours.

Ladies, enough with marketing gags, already. A melon or a lump of Italian clay is no match against time and gravity. And, if anyone does, Madonna and Cindy, you know it.

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